The Latest News

Some of you may have heard of a deadly temple stampede in India recently. If only such things were rare. There was another stampede yesterday. One person was killed and about a dozen injured. And it happened at a police academy. Some 30,000 people had come to file applications for open positions in the Mumbai police force, and chaos ensued. This is beautifully ironic because the Indian police is a desirable place of employment to many people specifically because it is concerned with anything but preserving safety and order. They couldn't even be assed to enforce an orderly proceeding for applications at their own academy (an academy, which among other things, is supposed to teach crowd management), and people died. In the words of one cop, "some people broke the queue and that is how the incident happened." ...some people in a large Indian crowd broke the queue? A shocking turn of events. How could anyone have foreseen it.

Fuck the police.

There was a bit of a furore in the Indian Parliament yesterday, and by 'furore' I mean "members of parliament opposed to a bill stormed the podium, stole the legislation under discussion from the chairman's desk, ripped it to shreds, and threw it into the seats." The bill in question? A constitutional amendment to enforce a minimum quota for female members of parliament. Most of the parties endorse the bill, which has failed repeatedly over the decades, while others offer grumbling support. A handful are in steadfast opposition, and it is they who stormed the podium. They claim to oppose it because "having simultaneous reservations for women and for the lower castes would make an impossible to implement dual quota system." So basically they mean "BACK IN THE KITCHEN!...ARE THOSE SHOES YOU'RE WEARING?!?!" but they have to use the really embarrassing excuse "wwaaaaahhhhhh we're really bad at math." But the opposition parties have a point. They really are terrible at math.

But the real reason I've made this post isn't to keep you abreast of India's latest political developments, it's to share with you a single-line news story from a recent printing of The Hindu, which in one sentence encapsulates everything you need to know about the Indian state. Each word, each number and date in this sentence is laden with meaning that reveals deep truths about the judicial system, government employment, and the depths of the national psyche. Take some time to peruse it, syllable by syallable. Here is the story, in full:

New Delhi: the Supreme Court has upheld the 1989 dismissal of a railway constable found glued to his radio, listening to cricket commentary, during duty hours.

Let's see just a few things we can learn from this.
1)The Supreme Court has just resolved a case from 1989.
2)Haha, people like cricket. (har har har, cricket, har dee har)
3)Indian Railways is not the most efficient organization ever conceived.
4)Indian constables do not possess an unflinching dedication to duty.
5)Somebody actually found grounds on which to contend this dismissal, AND PURSUED THE CASE FOR TWENTY YEARS ALL THE WAY TO THE SUPREME COURT

Truly a landmark case. Here'e my submission for news story on the same topic.

New Delhi: In the landmark case Asshole v. Indian Railways, the Supreme Court has upheld the 1989 dismissal of a railway constable found glued to his radio, listening to cricket commentary, during duty hours. Writing for the majority, the Chief Justice opined "Don't want to get fired? Quotum sic pro forma hoc jure ad nauseam, do your fucking job."

But enough of my idle mockery of another culture. Let's get back to the real news, in all seriousness, only repeating that which respectable journalists have deemed fit to print.

Bullock Race:
A bullock race was held in the district. Six pairs of bullocks competed in the long bullock-race category. There was also a short bullock race. Fifteen pairs of bullocks competed in total.

Well, now I've heard it all.

A bullock race was held in the district.

Six pairs of bullocks competed in the long bullock-race category. There was also a short bullock race.











Fifteen pairs of bullocks competed in total.