Ghostface Buddhism

Sitting beneath Bodhgaya's great bodhi tree, nurturer of Enlightenment, I realized...There is a Middle Way. My friends, I tell you these things:

Do not believe anything because you have heard it. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. If you don't listen to grandpa's senile ramblings about he almost became a shortstop for the Chicago White Sox at the dinner table, nor should you give heed to his exhortations that on every second Wednesday of January the family must dress up as lumberjacks and roast a pig in waist-high snow. Do not believe anything because it is spoken and rumored by many, 'cause bitches talking shit. Do not believe in anything because it is written in your religious books, especially if you are Mormon. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders; life does not hand out rainbow stickers for providing the convenient answer with proper punctuation. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and the benefit of one and all, then ask Ghostface Buddha 'bout that shit and he will tell you what is what.

Know this first about your tutor: I consider the positions of kings and rulers as that of mere weevils crawling on the flesh of those who care not a whit for the so-called legitimacy of their authority.

I observe the treasures of gold and gems as so many bricks and pebbles fit for building only a house for bitchly bitch-ass bitches.

I look upon the finest silk as naught but a fragile encumbrance; a vault of ribbons around a hoard of booty.

I see the myriad worlds of the universe as small seeds of fruit, probably infested by strange insectoid creatures bent on invading the Earth.

I perceive the teachings of the world as the illusions of men overly fond of tweed.

I discern the highest conception of emancipation as a golden brocade in a dream, a babbling creek in a luminous reverie, a flowering kangaroo in an acid trip, an anal bead in a non sequitir.

I see meditation as a pillar of a mountain, assuming that mountains have pillars, like maybe when stalactites and stalagmites meet in a cave and form a pillar. Or like, if a stalactite grows all the way up from the ground and reaches the ceiling, that would be a pillar too. Wait, stalactite is the hanging one? G for ground, C for ceiling? Or is it lefty-loosey? I see meditation as unaffected by the Coriolis effect.

I look upon the judgments of right and wrong as the serpentine dance of a dragon, in that they have a tendency to crush and/or ignite small villages, and the rise and fall of belief as traces left by the four seasons, in that both are overworn metaphors.

Before all else, one must know...
The Four Ignoble Falsehoods

1. The color of a person's skin is an indication of that person's ability to pilot a zeppelin.

2. Blueberry cobbler is best served out of the refrigerator.

3. The cow is anything other than an obese, ruminating poop factory with a hyperinflated sense of self worth and a tendency to get wet leaves tangled in its genital hairs.

4. Love.

Know these and think on them well, then turn your mind to the higher understanding.



I set forth in my teaching the following doctrine:

The Four Noble Truths

1. All Things and Experiences are marked by a quantum of Suffering, Disharmony, and Frustration; that is to say, Suckage.

2. The arising of Suckage comes from Life being a Bitch.

3. To achieve the cessation of Suckage, pimp Life, the above-named Bitch.

4. The way to pimp that Bitch is walking the Eightfold Path.

The Eightfold Path

1. Right Understanding of the following facts:

Life's a bitch (The Four Noble Truths).

Everything is impermanent and changes. To wit, the entity once manifested under the names "Puff Daddy" and "P. Diddy".

There is no separate and individual self. This is an illusion. We are one. I am an adolescent mallard. You are the Governator. Together we are Will Smith.

2. Right Determination to:

Give up what is some weak-ass shit.

Undertake what is the illest.

Abandon thoughts that have to do with bringing suffering to any conscious living being.

Conveniently, any conscious being that crosses a real OG can be considered walking dead.

3. Right Speech

What's the use of the truth if you can't tell a lie sometimes?

Abstain from slander. Man up and commit libel. If you ain't willing to put your defamatory remarks to the written record, you don't deserve to be defaming at all.

Abstain from obsequious and flattering speech; give your every utterance the kindness or malice it deserves. For instance "Madam, pardon the intrusion, but would you like white or brown sugar with your tea and crumpets, you domineering banshee harlot?"

If you use the word "literally" to precede a figurative statement, you are literally a goddamn idiot.

Never use a congregative adverb prior to a transmutative prerogation. Thus, "Cry such malevolence! Cocksure be either they yet none a ploughsman!" should be rendered as a crescendo of ululations, or better yet, ululizzles.

4. Right Action

Hustle and ball.

No snitching.

5. Right Livelihood

Engage in the trade for which you are most suited.

If you are a lazy bastard, find a job appropriate for lazy bastards and spare your human brothers and sisters the pain of moving you to fulfill your offices.

There is no assignment of labor by one's birth into hereditary castes, save for lute-players and beekeepers. If these should wed, the punishment is death.

6. Right Effort

You may foster iniquity, so long as you destroy inanity.

7. Right Anatomy

The buttocks should be be firm but not hard. A man's chest should be larger than his nipples; a woman's foot longer than her nose.

There should be exactly seven internal organs; these should be chosen with care.

8. Right Miscellanea

Nothing is made less interesting by being set on fire.

The full path to Enlightenment is actually found in the Singlefold Glob Of Wisdom.

The Singlefold Glob of Wisdom

Be thee not a player-hater nor a poseur. To hell with snake-ass motherfucks who want to tell you what to do and what to enjoy. Be careful not to leave the oven on too long; nobody likes an over-crisp brownie. It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a whale to enter the Kingdom of Termites. Dance in thought with your third eye attuned to the heavens, your second eye at the marked emergency exits, and your first eye on the hottie in the tight jeans. The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Look Life in eyes, perhaps crack a knuckle or two, and say "HO, YOU BEEN WORKING FOR ME? GET BACK OUT THERE AND BRING ME WHAT'S MINE. AND CURLY FRIES." At that moment you have pimped Life itself.


This is the teaching of the Ghost-faced Buddha. Spread the word.