Buffalo Herding: the Way of the Samurai

One can learn a great many things in India. I've been spending much of my time listening to people discuss the history of Varanasi, and the various metaphysical beliefs of Hinduism, Buddhism, and Jainism. While this is all much appreciated, I strive also for practical knowledge and I have been blessed enough to speak to great masters in the arts of how to burn a corpse and how to herd buffalo. Corpse-burning is pretty much straightforward (get a crapload of wood, set it on fire) so I now present...

Buffalo Herding: the Way of the Samurai

Sun Tzu wrote that in battle, one must know his enemy, and one must know himself. With this, victory is assured.

To know thyself, understand that you are human. You are small and fragile, but you are intelligent and you possess the power of tools, separating you from the animals.

To know thy enemy, know what a buffalo is and is not. A buffalo is not a cow. The cows of India are independent, aloof bastards content to sit by themselves or stand lengthwise in the most inconvenient spot possible. Buffalo, on the other hand, move in packs. This truth you must know. A buffalo, though like a cow, is not so holy as a cow, and may be treated with a corresponding diminishment of respect. The cow is shogun; the buffalo, wayward samurai.

A buffalo is strong, but it is dull. It is lethargic, and its bulk cannot be moved by the meager might of man. However, "Give me where to stand" Aristotle proclaimed "and I shall move the world." So too it is with buffalo. Stand then in the Field of Enlightenment, for it is from here that you shall draw your strength.

After knowledge of self and foe, one must possess knowledge of purpose, and knowledge of the field of battle.

One may have two purposes in herding buffalo:

1. To productively herd one's own buffalo from one place towards another
2. To defensively herd someone else's buffalo away when it is up in your shit

One must also understand the two fields on which this battle may be fought:

1. A battle with buffalo in the water
2. A battle with buffalo not in the water

Let us begin with a discussion of productive buffalo herding, for it is the finer art, and with it mastered all other buffalo arts are as but a child's game.

To herd buffalo one will need two items. The first, wisdom, we have already procured -- or all is lost. The second, a large pole can be found wheresover poles are sold. While the buffalo are in water, first shout at them and wave. The profound indifference of a buffalo extends to his own immobility, and he may move for lack of an inclination not to. When this fails, do as the master told this pupil and "take stick, make big splash". This will move most buffalo. If it does not, resort then to the Grand Master's Stroke. Shout mightily, as though charging  the ranks of an army and hit the buffalo with the pole. The sound, graceful as a flute-wind passing over the thawing mountain snow, should be thus: HAAAIIIIIII*thwonk*. This will move even the stoutest and most stubborn of buffalo, unless it hath fatefully dared the Gorgon and been turned to stone.

When the buffalo is on land, clearly a splash will not do. First scream as one would when the buffalo is in water. Then, if reluctance is found, slap the buffalo heartily upon the flank with an open palm, as one would to a prostitute. Remember, though a noble foe, the buffalo has the failings of the common whore, its dalliances and indolence great nuisances to the master it serves, earning it this needed slapping. Should the buffalo muster such insouciance to refuse to obey even these violent ministrations, threaten it with the pole, and if need be, thwack it. Sometimes one ought beat even a seemingly cooperative buffalo, lest it lose its fear of the pole and forget the name of its daddy.

Live by these words, and your buffalo's will shall be aligned to your own.

Remembering that at times one must also confront buffalo that are not one's own, we turn now to that subject. Here we do not distinguish between the buffalo wet and dry, for we must know only that the enemy knocketh upon our castle gates.

If the buffalo approaches one's noble works, and the defense of one's livelihood from the trample of hooves, the vagaries of grazing, and the torrents of buffalo excretions becomes imminent, find thee also a large pole. As one does not care whence the buffalo flees other than that it is away from one's own business, the use of more graceful techniques of direction are superfluous. Wield your pole with honor, and charge headlong towards the beast, screaming as you go, pole brandished high over the head. This will turn all buffalo to flight.

By this path let the buffalo be herded. Go in peace.

edit: it might have been Archimedes who said that.
edit: retroactively making this a Ghostface Buddha Guide