Sri Lanka Boredom Relief Guide

If, as fate may have it, you find yourself stuck for an extended period in the dull, southwestern part of Sri Lanka, you are likely to find yourself bored. Fortunately, Ghostface Buddha is here with a number of suggestions for Fun Things To Do in the area from Colombo to Galle. All of these have been road-tested and found satisfactory by GFB himself

The Pizza Hut Discourses
Materials: ~$12
Find a Sri Lankan Pizza Hut outlet (KFC will do in a pinch), preferably during a slow business hour. Engage the staff in conversation, then deliver a stunning lecture on the history and variety of pizza, methods of cooking, recipes, etc. Then, expand this monologue on the vast, diverse scope of world pizza as compared to the Sri Lankan pizza experience into a larger commentary on the vastness of Planet Earth, and the need to cast one's mental eye beyond the exaggeratedly significant confines of one's own island. Both you and your audience will be better for it.

The Clash Of Civilizations
Materials: A pair of French nudists
Check into a hotel where the only guests besides yourself are a perpetually naked child, a similarly naked Frenchwoman, and a strange, clothed French husband. If the naked woman provokes your desire, you may have trouble looking the French husband in the eye, but he is not really necessary for this activity. Now, go to the nearest English-language bookstore (you won't have many to choose from) and head to the romance section, where you should find a trio of headscarved Muslim girls giggling at a shelf of serial novels whose female protagonists seem to exclusively wear oft-torn lace bodices. Repeat this step over several days, until you have ridiculed the Muslim girls enough to have befriended them. Then, invite all three of them to your balcony for innocent conversation. Upon returning with the headscarved trio to the hotel, wait for the critical moment when naked French people walk into the hallway and marvel as the wide-eyed Muslim girls freak the fuck out and the French waver between passive-aggressiveness and outright apoplectic fits at the sight of headscarves.

Enhancing Your Cultural Sophistication
Materials: none
Think about going to the National Museum, then smoke a joint and cruise the internet instead.

Girls Gone Sort Of Wild
Materials: none
Hang out on a beach where both foreigners and Sri Lankan people are known to visit on the weekend. At some point a man will walk up to you and invite you to a party, coveting your hard currency. "Come, this afternoon, over at this beach cafe..." he says. You nod that you might consider maybe possibly going. "There will be six hundred girls" he says. Your ears perk, but then your mind catches hold and tells you it will be damn unlikely if there are more than 6 girls at this promised 'party'. Later, somewhat tipsy in the mid-afternoon, you go to see what all the fuss is about, and by God, there ARE six hundred Sri Lankan girls there. You have stumbled into a Sri Lankan, family-friendly Saturday beach concert. In addition to the various fat, shirtless old men waddling around, there are legitimately girls by the busloads. But as one fellow explorer commented, "Zees man did not say what type of girls..." We are dealing here mostly with teenagers, which is already a bummer, but they are also thoroughly wholesome Sri Lankan teenage girls. Most of them are involved in chaste but joyous unisex dancing in front of the stage where a horrific Sri Lankan "rock" band is playing Sri Lankan pop staples. None of the band members are moving much, but the guitarist is playing a bright-orange V-shaped "hard rock" guitar on tunes that would make Justin Bieber call him a giant pussy. The singer is wearing an open vest over his shirt, and around his neck are both an untied bow-tie and a pair of designer sunglasses dangling from his collar. This would be bad enough if he weren't also wearing a second pair of designer sunglasses on his actual face. Behind the girls are a legion of stern-faced matronly chaperones making sure that nobody gets any funny ideas, and a handful of wobbling drunk police inspectors who've assigned themselves to "security duty" at a beach bar where they get free arrack and watch teenage girls. In addition to the girls on stage, a great many will be dancing in the ocean itself. Once again, this is a massive dissapointment, because Sri Lankan girls swim wearing jeans and t-shirts of such astounding frumpiness that one imagines it is specially reserved as antisexual beachwear. Then, you shuffle away and continue drinking, which brings us to our next activity...

Getting Tanked On Arrack
Materials: Arrack.
Arrack is the ubiquitous Sri Lankan booze. It kind of tastes like rum, but is usually gentler. However, since Sri Lanka is a nation of sissies who go to bed early and are afraid of all big and powerful things, even the serious alcoholics usually take the drink with coca-cola or some sort of soda water or horrific Sri Lankan soft drink. To hell with this. Just finish the arrack, get good and drunk, be merry.

It's Sri fucking Lanka. You have nothing better to do.