In Search Of The Galactic Chronicles

I couldn't stop myself: I had to go to Rishikesh. It's only a few miles upriver from Haridwar and is one of the most famous places in India. If you've heard the name, it's either because you know the Beatles went there, or because you too are fascinated by the odd place that now bills itself as "The Spirituality Capital Of The World". Rishikesh, which means "land of rishis" has been a hangout for Indian spiritual types for millennia, and here is why: it is the most remote and isolated place you can go in the Indian Himalayas without every having to actually walk uphill. Nowadays it is Ground Zero of the New Age, and aside from the many people who come here for its renowned yoga centers and serene ashrams, it is also full of goddamn moonbats.

It was my plan to mingle casually among the lunatics but I found infiltration impossible. Like their more grounded (and by "more grounded" I mean they believe in elephant-headed gods but nothing crazier than that) counterparts, they take their studies very seriously and expect some kind of commitment before revealing their wisdom. I was particularly annoyed that I couldn't track down the man whose sign promised he could reveal "Answers To Spiritual Questions, Indology, Galactic Chronicles." I could have visited any of his several blogs, but I disdain to do so, because it is well known that blogs are a complete waste of time.

My time spent searching for the Galactic Chronicles was not completely in vain. So, I present to you, meager as they are, the collected eavesdroppings of Ghostface Buddha's afternoon in Rishikesh.

"She is so, like, NOT on a spiritual journey."

"We can ask that nice man where he bought his beads!"

"No, it's not marijuana. It kind of smells pot-ish but the rishis call it, like, 'Ganja' because it's the herb of the Ganges, I think. It's a special herb."

"Sooooo I don't know what it means, but it was kind of special, Mum. You know I haven't had a girlfriend in seven or eight years."

"Yoga makes me fart."

"I know I shouldn't sleep with the guru, but it's his crossroads as well as mine."
"You really think so?"
"I mean, how can I know? Only he can see the crossroads."

"We don't have lentils in Canada."

"Do any of the ashrams have Skype?"

"There are too many rules here. I think I might change my flight to Dubai."

[At a restaurant] "Do you have any hidden meat?"

And finally, my two favorite conversational excerpts...

"Do you know where I can find a Vedic bakery?"
"Do you know what 'Vedic' means?"

"I don't believe in aliens, because the saddhus would talk about them."
"They speak Hindi all the time... they could be."
"No, they don't talk about worldly things."

Now pardon me, I must discuss worldly things.