GFB's Guide To The Ramayana, Pt. 1

Before I had completed my critical-authorial tour de force on the Ramayana and grew entirely sick of that book, I had actually half-completed a set of notes that I had intended to use for this blog. Having read the damn thing, which repeatedly implores the reader to never leave a thing half done, here is Ghostface Buddha's guide to the Ramayana, replete with typos because some asshole has put Firefox's dictionary in French and there are red lines under fucking everything. Suckez vous mon cock, Francois

The story begins in the abode of the gods, where the ten-headed demon Ravanna, drunk with power, causes incredible amounts of danger and nuisance to the gods and other celestial beings. The problem is that Brahma has rewarded him with invulnerability against all enemies but men, and there is no man bad-ass enough to take him. The gods beg Vishnu to incarnate himself on Earth as a man and take care of everything, again. In Hinduism there is the well-known trinity of Brahma, Vishnu, and Shiva, but nearly everybody has a favorite that they call the "one supreme God." In the tradition of this epic it is Vishnu, but many people prefer Shiva or various versions of the Mother Goddess. Shiva followers aren't too disturbed by their man playing second fiddle, as they are pleased to point out that Shiva is aloof from ever having incarnated himself.

Anyways, whatever, in this story Vishnu's the Man. At the same time the emperor Dasaratha has ruled his kingdom for many hundreds of years but has sired no heir. I think you see where this is going. Vishnu surreptitiously conceives four children by Dasaratha's three wives, who give birth to Rama, Bharata, Lakshmana, and Shatrughna. You can forget about Shatrughna, because he doesn't do shit.

At this point in the narrative, there are a lot of flashbacks and a lot a crazy shit with no connection to the plot happens. You don't want to know. For starters, some sage tries to create a second universe and almost succeeds, but this is given only a passing mention. Like I say, crazy shit happens. It is perhaps worth noting at this point that I read a mercifully abridged version that was still hundreds of pages long, and of course that I read it in translation, so this commentary is on the version I read, not the complete Sanskrit epic. Perhaps everything is beautifully linked and relevant, and all the wild stories are explained to the skeptic's satisfaction. But on the other hand this story is probably just insane.

Anyways, Rama and his brother Lakshmana are but lads when the sage Viswamitra, who is sort of a Merlin figure who regularly shows up the gods, asks their father to borrow them for an errand. Viswamitra wants to do a spectacular Vedic sacrifice but some demon keeps meddling with his plans. But Viswamitra, being omniscient, knows who Rama and Lakshmana are and sees the twisted path of destiny. Only a few charachters in the book know Rama's secret, of which even he himself is ignorant. Rama is just living his human life, completely unaware that he is God on Earth and is was born to save the universe. Viswamitra helps to put the wheels in motion and he decides to take the boys along for a little demon-slaying. The opening act of the Ramayana is kind of like the first season of Buffy, but with way more angst. Viswamitra teaches the boys in the use of magical spells gives them extremely powerful holy weapons, and then sets the young'uns on the demon. The demon's ass is thoroughly and comprehensively kicked.

Another interlude of crazy shit. Some far-away queen gives simultaneous birth to an army of 60,000 sons, who many years later are all turned to ash after pissing off a sage who is Vishnu's homie. Seriously, this book is nuts. Where else do you spawn 60,000 warriors from an enchanted coochie only to have them all die at the end of the chapter?

Years pass, and Rama isn't quite so wee a lad any more. It's time for him to get married. Our omniscient friend advises the king to try and get Rama to marry the foreign princess Sita, who is conveniently the worldly incarnation of Vishnu's wife Lakshmi. Rama goes to win her over, and finds her father has initiated a contest between the many princely suitors. He presents a mighty bow and says that whoever can string it wins the girl. The bow, by the way, happens to have belonged to Shiva, so nobody is pulling that bitch. The bow, I mean. Nobody but Vishnu, that is. Rama steps up to the plate and not only strings the bow but accidentally breaks it in half, unwittingly earning himself access to his own wife's earthly pleasures. When Rama strings the bow, the gods rain flowers from heaven. Flowers rain from heaven a lot in the course of this book.

One day when he's out walking, Rama stumbles into Parasurama, an angry, axe-wielding brahmin dwarf who also was an incarnation of Vishnu and has spent his life furiously unleashing his dwarven battle-priest might on uppity members of the warrior caste who think they're above the clergy. This prevents something of a paradox. Parasurama is all like "Whatever, kid, so you broke Shiva's bow. But can you string...VISHNU'S BOW" and Rama is all like "Well, I'll try" and then Rama strings the bow and Parasurama is all like "Oh snap. He Vishnu. I guess I'm not Vishnu any more" and walks off into newfound irrelevance. This episode represents a passing of the torch and is where Rama's period as "avatar" truly begins. Parasurama grants all of his (essentially Vishnu's) power to Rama, as well as Vishnu's bow. So now Rama is Vishnu, has Vishnu's power, and Vishnu's weapons, but he and the world still don't know that he is really, really not to be fucked with.

Moving on. Dasaratha is an old fart and he wants to retire to the forest and be a sage. He announces he will crown Rama, his eldest and most noble son.

This is where shit gets real.

A servant of one of Dasaratha's other queens decides to stir the pot. She is a hunchback, and therefore an evil, manipulative bitch, as all hunchbacks are. She recklessly ignores Lil Jon's immortal advice "Don't start no shit, won't be no shit", and to put it mildly, there is shit.

The hunchback convinces the innocent queen Kaikeyi that having Rama on the throne will result in terrible consequences for her branch of the family, and reminds Kaikeyi that the king owes her big-time. The king granted her two wishes for saving his life, and she still hasn't cashed them in. She is moved to request her first wish, which is that her son Bharata be placed on the throne instead. Her second wish is that Rama be exiled to the forest.

There is then an incredible amount of drama. Soap-opera levels of drama, where just about every single member of the royal household rolls around on the floor crying as they try and cope with their great emotional distress. And on it goes for many, many chapters. It's really quite tedious. The crux of it is that Dasaratha can't refuse the wish because the king's utmost duty is to uphold truth and justice and must keep his word, yadda yadda yadda. When Rama is told he's being shipped off to the woods, he also is obnoxiously noble, but at least stands on his feet and doesn't cry. He just chills there and makes a speech to the effect of "Nothing would make me happier than helping my beloved father comply with his duty! The woods will be lovely!" This is who we are supposed to emulate. But all is not over. Lakshmana hears about it and explodes with righteous anger, offering to help Rama overthrow the state. Lakshmana is cool because while he is also extremely noble, he has a hot temper and human reactions to things, and itches to kick ass at every oppurtunity.

Rama, being so very wise, is able to untangle the complicated interlocking web of dharma("duty") of the parties concerned, and concludes that the only solution is for him to go to the forest. Lakshmana, who isn't really bound one way or the other, vows to accompany him to the ends of the Earth. Sita also vows to follow her husband wherever he may go. This stuns everyone because she is a woman and obviously ill-suited for a life of hardship, but she then awes them with her wifely loyalty, her conviction that the woods will be lovely, and her trust in the two studly men who will be guarding her. Rama, Sita, and Lakshmana take up the dress of ascetics and go off into the jungle, while Bharata is crowned king and the entire kingdom weeps at Rama being sent away.

In the woods, our intrepid trio meets the king of the forest but decline his gifts because they are supposed to be ascetics. They go and build a hut and prepare for their life of twelve years in the jungle.

Bharata is summoned back to the city and informed he is going to be king. Bharata, like his father, is a big noble crybaby and a whole 'nother series of chapters ensues in which Bharata grovels at the feet of everyone, begging not to be king because he just loves Rama so much and Rama would be the perfect king and so on and so on. Bharata is supposed to be the embodiment of noble spirit and righteous ruling, but he's really rather irritating. Since he's such a darling little angel, he decides to go to the woods and bring Rama back. He assembles the kingdom's army and has them start cutting a road through the jungle to go fetch three people, an approach to environmental awareness the people of North India share to this day.

Whil they're gone Dasaratha recounts a story about how when he was young he was so good at hunting he used to do it with his eyes closed, and shot a human being by the side of the river while he was showing off this talent. The parents cursed him, and Dasaratha is convinced that all that has happened was due to fate. Then he thinks about Rama some more and cries himself to death.

A sage stumbles across the heroes and praises Mahadeva, for reasons unkown to the group. Mahadeva, you see, is one of the thousand or so names of Vishnu. The gods have many names but are all the same being. Confusing? Perhaps, but not wrong-headed. Do we not in our own pantheon have gods who go by many names? Is the RZA not also the Rzarecta, Bobby Steels, the Abbot, Bobby Digital, and Prince Rakim? Is Jay-Z not also Jigga and Hove? So as the Hindus have sacred verses reminding us of the many names of the gods do we not also have songs that proclaim this same quality? "Dirt Dog"? "Izzo(H.O.V.A)"? "The Real Slim Shady"?

Bharata eventually finds his brothres, and the whinery repeats itself. Rama reassures Bharata that is is his duty to rule the kingdom, but Bharata is so damn noble he comes up with a cmopromise. He takes Rama's sandals and places them on the throne. He himself takes up a life of penance and administers in Rama's absence from the shittiest village he can find near the capital. Harmony returns to the land. Flowers may or may not have rained from heaven.

Somewhere in all of this, Rama, Lakshmana, and Bharata perform the obsequies for their dead father. This is a scene you would see a lot of. The book is obsessed with people preforming obsequies for their relatives, and as more and more characters get knocked off there is a great deal of pausing the narrative to have someone stroll to a river and make offerings to the sun, etc. etc.

By the way, just so my friends who are reading this know, for the duration of the time I was involved with reading the Hindu scriptures, the "Document Rule" was most emphatically in effect.

Some time passes out in the jungle. One day a demon tries to eat Sita. There are several varieties of 'demon' in Hindu mythology. The baddies in this book are the rakshaasas, a race of super-ugly, usually wicked creatures with shape-shifting abilities who for some reason usually remain in their fugly-ass "true forms" most of the time. Anyways, Rama and Lakshmana come to the rescue but just can't seem to kill the demon. Turns out that the demon has received a 'boon' from the gods, probably Indra. Indra is second only to Brahma in giving out ill-advised boons. A boon is essentially a holy power-up. This demon's power-up is that he can'e be killed by any weapon whatsoever. He foolishly informs Lakshmana of this, so Lakshmana and Rama proceed to pump him full of arrows, which can't kill him but still hurt like a motherfucker. They then deliver a speech for the benefit of the demon's soul, and having thus absolved everyone involved, they exploit the boon's "catch", wearying the demon with weapons, and then killing him with their bare fucking hands. Rama and Lakshmana are Bad Ass.

The rishis (sages) who live in the forest hear about this exploit and are overjoyed. They have been plagued by demons for years. Countless rishis out in the jungle to meditate and do penance have been eaten up by rakshaasas. They see Rama's prowess and beg him for protection. As a member of the warrior caste, Rama accepts the duty of protecting the helpless, even if it means making enemies of all the demons in the woods.

Sita has a bad feeling about this...

Part 2 coming up