Resolutions

During the many hours I spent lingering at the Golden Temple on New Year's Eve, I used some of the time to finalize my list of New Year's resolutions. These are all completely serious, feasible, and I consider all of these to be binding.

To leave India having learned something...but like, really learned something, you know?

To strive to speak the truth. I will keep it real no matter how real it gets.

To consume at least 10 liters of chai per month. (Perhaps this one is a bit too easy).

To achieve minimal competence in at least one Indian language. "Hinglish"(Indian English) doesn't count.

To civilize the pagan masses promote understanding between mutually misunderstood cultures.

To commit at least one act that is somehow subversive to the interests of the state of Pakistan.

To spread the spiritual teachings of hip-hop lyrics to as many places and mystical traditions as possible.

To uphold the same standards of friendship, respect, and so on as I would at home.

To shake my fist at the heavens with such fury that any god who crosses me shall tremble in his/her/its amorphous boots.

To set foot inside no marble shop nor purchase a miniature painting.

To commit at least one act sufficiently bizarre as to make a complete, street-clogging spectacle of myself (but on purpose).

To act out of a spirit of equality and fairness to all men. A cow, however, is nothing but a walking milkshake factory with an over-active butthole, and shall be treated as such.

To see this trip through to the finish. No. Matter. What.